Marriage and Family
I've never been married. I'm still a baby, sorta. I have, however, been taking some Child and Family Studies classes at UT that are supposed to teach ya all about this stuff, and I love them. I've never taken a class that is so applicable to the real world as my Marriage and Family Relations class has been. I wanted to share some of the things I have learned in there. I don't want to share the stats and figures of divorce rates or the millions of theories psychologists have conjured up to explain why people are the way they are. (There is literally a theory for everything!) What I do want to share is the tried and true advice that was given by my professor when she wasn't just teaching book information, but instead giving us wisdom we could use in our own lives. Wisdom that helps us know how to treat each other and treat ourselves inside and outside of relationships. I hope this inspires someone.
"Love does not give us fairy tale perfection, it gives us meaning."
"A good friend will give you a reality check!"
Her example of needing co-rumination:
"I love talking to my husband, but he always tries to "fix" my problems. I wanted to emotionally throw up about my day, but he won't let me. He tries to give me medicine to make me stop. I tell him let me throw up! I don't want to fix it! Talking about it to someone is fixing it. Just sit and listen to me."
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
Statistically men fall in love faster than women and claim that intimacy makes the relationship "special".
Men's "shortcomings" are sometimes due to greater emotional distance compared to women. It's not that men don't care, they're just not as connected or open about it.
Males have a greater capacity to separate sex from love, but still can see intimacy as an expression of love.
Females need emotion, so sex is not enough for them to feel loved.
"Women are like crock pots. Men are live microwaves."
"Don't forget anniversaries, or birthdays, or Valentine's Day, or everyday!"
"Never go to bed angry."
Talking about fighting or arguing:
"Intentionality! And keep it clean. Keep it all clean!"
Men's brains take longer to turn feelings into words.
Passion is the first feeling to develop in a relationship and the first to disappear; but it doesn't have to be.
"Don't react, respond."
"You weren't thinking. You were feeling."
"Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is a little harder."
"Integrity comes from relationships."
"If you start gathering a bouquet of red flags instead of roses at the beginning of a relationship, you may want to smell and see if they're rotten or not."
"Technology has created a perpetual umbilical cord to helplessness."
Again: "Keep your relationship clean! Sweep every night and mop once a week."
KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid
The Five Types of Marriages
1. Conflict Habituated
Repeated arguing, but still content. Simply get used to fighting.
Together, but have lost their fire.
3. Passive Congenial
Together because it is practical.
Nothing or no one comes above the marriage!
Causes strained relationships with others.
Everything is vitally, happily, and healthily together.
Considered the best, got-it-all marriage type.
Top two necessities of a happy marriage:
1. Effective communication
2. Effective conflict management
"Trust expressions and body language before words."
People are free to think, sense, feel, want and do. -Satir
"If we could only grasp the power of intentional communication."
Counseling and therapy = Truth seeking missions
"Strong people seek help when they need it."
"Never underestimate the power of forgiveness in relationships."
Top Sources of Marital Conflict
2. Division of labor in and outside the home
3. Time and attention
4. Family and in-laws
"Don't marry potential. What you see is what you get, so don't think you'll be able to fix him [or her]."